I WILL BE IN CHARGE…
‘Helen’ grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged the development of a sense of self. She now suffers from major physical problems and lives in a nursing home. Her feelings fluctuate daily but she has discovered a way to explore ideas and invite longed for communication. In this article Helen describes her new-found freedom.
After so many years lost in my own wilderness, I am—quite by surprise, shock even—finding a role of my own. I have discovered a hidden talent for writing, something I had never thought of before.
I began writing dark and resentful things about myself and others, but many stages and thousands of words later, I have found the freedom to write about what I can make of life. I am fulfilling, at last, the great need to release thoughts and ideas which have been locked in my mind, in silent frustration. They are now coming to light in writing and I have clarified a great many personal problems I have been struggling with alone, for a very long time.
The more I write, the more I feel driven to free my mind to lead me where it cares to roam and work its magic on my fingers, as they hit the keys of my new-found friend, the computer. I can now accept that, in my search for meaning, no answers may be found, but wonder and sometimes joy.
I must admit I am gaining a new sense of pride. Until lately, to my eternal
disappointment in myself, I believed it was far beyond my ability to transpose
my muddled thoughts into words. It is terrible anxiety that has always
made this so difficult or some undiscovered cause to do with brain function?
My feeling of being different and unacceptable to all who could not see
my hidden worth caused me deliberately to block any outward show of my
feelings. The story of my life—everything I said or did—was
to suit what I thought others expected of me, and no one helped me see
there was another way.
Because of the poverty of my use of language, when speaking to those I
felt had authority over me—or just to people I fear—I very much
understated the magnitude of what I have been suffering, fearing my feeble
description would be scoffed at.
So often have I been deeply wounded by listeners’ complete misunderstanding of my failed attempts to explain something simple, that my only hope has been to remain silent, or dissolve into uncontrollable tears. Imagine stifling all that frustration and shame. This has happened so often that my own emotions, and even my self-knowledge, had been crushed.
Now at last it would seem that it is not a great tragedy if I never become much of a verbal communicator. I am free to express myself in my own way. Further, I too am truly unique. If to many I am unacceptable, that need no longer be a major worry. Only one word comes to mind to describe the emotion aroused by this turn-about in my perception of myself and my life—amazement.
Now my inner strength and resources are revealing themselves in a creative outburst of words and pictures and I know I am no longer alone.
My appearance wants to change too, so that the world will see me as I am. Sometimes I can enjoy exchanging smiles with people and meeting their eyes, even people I don’t know very well. Though not significant to people unaware of the terror this causes some shy people, to me it is one of my greatest victories.
The new freedom I have found has made me new friends. Not that I talk with many, but the feeling comes to me so warmly that there is love around—for me and from me. It is a very beautiful experience which I, for complicated reasons, never felt I was able to show before.
From now on I, not my fears, will be in charge. This is my hope. With hope and belief that my faith is strong enough to support me. I ask for that you hear me, God.
Helen
Postscript
Helen has diabetes, and since she wrote this, pain in her hands and poor
vision, as well as problems with her computer, have left her fearful that
her brief window of opportunity for self expression is closing.
