Madonna -

MIDLIFE MUSINGS
James Depiazzi

Like many others, I’ve been putting off midlife. Since people are living longer, this seems like a reasonable approach. Besides, I’m far too busy for a crisis. I was hoping to hold off long enough to take early retirement first. Then I might have time do deal with it.

Sadly, we don’t get to choose our time for midlife. It chooses us. This lack of control is one of the downsides of midlife. I was on a men’s retreat when I finally had to face the fact that I was exhibiting and experiencing the classic symptoms of midlife.

When we are young, we like to be in control, or at least to think that we are. Making our own choices. Going our own way. Being in charge. Making decisions.

When midlife arrives, we suddenly become aware that we are no longer in control. Family and work commitments dominate our lives. Freedom is a limited commodity. Our formerly healthy bodies begin to get injured and succumb to gravity, lethargy and misuse.

I found this to be true for me. It began with parenthood. Children are no respecters of personal space. Sleep is broken. Travelling and socialising become major military-style operations. Feeding and toileting are immediate and unpredictable imperatives. You are no longer in control.

As a keen sportsman and runner, I got my first major injury at the age of 39, then another one at 41. My one and only marathon was hampered by this. I had to walk the last six kilometres. I doubt that I will every run one again.

At work I faced the great tie debacle. After 20 years of making my own decisions about what to wear, I was told that wearing a tie was a condition of the job. It was not just the unreasonable imposition of this requirement. It was the whole issue of control. The lack of appreciation for years of commitment and sacrifice. Jesus’ reference to being led where you rather not go when you grow older (John 21:18) was suddenly very relevant to me.

Our minds don’t accept this aging and loss of control easily. We still feel young inside. Even my octogenarian father-in-law says that he still feels about 20-something, but his body doesn’t agree.

There is an element of grieving involved in learning this. Tossing in your job, buying a sports car and running off with the pretty young secretary is not the solution either.

Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the stages involved in dealing with death and dying. Midlife is similar. To try to do the things of youth again is denial. Anger, depression and disillusionment may need to be faced. Coming to acceptance and learning to live with the new reality is the challenge of midlife.

It is not until we let go of the past, now fading unrealistic expectations and desires, that we can move on to the next stage of life and growth. New wine requires new wineskins (Mark 2:22). With maturity comes wisdom and a wealth of experience to draw on. A new way of thinking is required.

For me, this is reflected in my running. I am competitive by nature, but now it is completion and participation that count. Running the Surf to Surf in Bunbury with my father last year was far more satisfying and enjoyable than trying to beat my previous time.

Slowing down physically means that we can’t do everything. This has always been true of course, but in midlife we can no longer fool ourselves. We know that our lives are limited. We need to identify what is important, to prioritise and focus our efforts.

In order to do this we need to explore our feelings. What are we trying to achieve? What has become habit, without meaning or fulfilment? What makes us angry? Sad? Happy? What do we really want to do with the rest of our lives?

Discerning these things takes time. We need to seek space for reflection. We need time to get in touch with our deepest fears and aspirations. This is a process rather than a destination. It will probably take years. Annual retreats have become an important part of my life.

It may be painful for us and those around us, but if we don’t address these issues, we could find our lives have lost all meaning and purpose. It must be done. Others have taken the road before us. Reading of their insights and discoveries can speed the journey.

Living life to the full is the catch-cry of youth. It often translates into partying and adventure. For us it is a deeper reality. Our days seem to pass more rapidly and we sense that they are numbered. Every moment becomes important. We won’t have time to catch up later.

MIDLIFE MUSINGS James Depiazzi

MIDLIFE MUSINGS
James Depiazzi