On retreat - Danusia Kaska

My first day on silent retreat was filled with exploring my new surroundings and taking in the breath-taking scenery of the beautiful setting of the Jesuit retreat house at Sevenhill—the contrast of the green vineyards to the brown dry earth, the majestic eucalyptus trees, and the quaint buildings of the 1800s. I walked along the Riesling Trail, rode an old rusty bike in great need of a service, journeyed through the Stations of the Cross, prayed in the church, contemplated scripture, read the plaques in the ancient cemetery, wandered through the winery and museum, finished reading a book on AIDS in Africa and had a nanna nap!

By the next day I was feeling anxious that I had to get through a spiritual journey and I hadn’t started it yet—I felt that I had a long way to go! So far I hadn’t slowed myself down, I was still too active on the inside, too many thought, too many activities—how was God going to enter into this clutter? Just as I was thinking of this, my spiritual director for the week asked to make a time for us to meet—how perfect is God’s timing!

During our meeting he suggested some scriptural readings, and after a short and sweet discussion I left armed with my Bible and journal. The mobile and iPod were put away and I prayed to God for help in focusing on him.

However, when we quieten and go into ourselves, there we face our deepest fears and insecurities. So during this time in my retreat journey I felt a heaviness, I felt that I was walking with Christ, carrying his cross: my sinfulness and painful memories returned.
Jesus said that to rise with him, we must first die with him. So I allowed myself to die with Christ, to surrender my pain and hurt to him, and only then I knew I would be resurrected. When I saw my spiritual director again, I shared my pain with him and he recommended further readings and explained the journey I was on with Christ.

I began to structure my prayer time by using the Sacred Space book by the Irish Jesuits. This helped me focus during my prayer time. The structure in the book opens us to dialogue with Jesus, gives us scripture to contemplate and showing us how to talk to Jesus as a friend. I started to feel confidence, rather than fear, to be alone in silence.

There were nine of us sharing the retreat in a strong intimate community, a fellowship of small actions—motioning to pass the salt at the dinner table, smiling at each other to acknowledge or greet each other, the handshake at the peace offering during Mass, the simple fact that we are all travelling on this one journey together.
After a week long silent retreat, I now dread the power of speech, for our words have such an influence on each other and people’s lives. In the silence, so much can be learnt and drawn from. Well I definitely did experience the resurrection, and I thank the Lord for all the graces that came from the retreat. Not only do I feel refreshed and rejuvenated in body, mind and spirit, I feel that my relationship with God has deepened and I know I want to feel this close to him all the time.

So if you have ever thought about undertaking a silent retreat and have been too daunted by it, I urge you to overcome your fears and to do it.